Perfection Through Silence
by starsarefading
Summary: Begin with the end in mind, she had said. How could she have known that keeping away would be so hard? LL. On permanet hiatus.
1. Prologue

_"Better to have met you in my dream than to wake up and reach for hands that are not there."_

**...Otomo No Yakamochi**

_Notes:_ A kind of post-finale story, just because I am dazzlingly original. Hopefully, it will be a little different. And spoilers have currently destroyed my idea... that's what happens when you take too long to post. But well, who cares about spoilers anyway (hmm, who said I do?).

Much thanks to **Lydia **and** Kara**, who read and gave great opinions and much love to **Sam **and** Ari**, who proof read, kept up with my dumb spelling and were awesome all the way through. You all rock to no end, I dedicate this to you.

_Disclaimer:_ The title is from the awesome Finch song, 'Perfection Through Silence' (well, what did you expect?) and Gilmore Girls is Amy Palladino's, but I'm having a hard time dealing with that and so we are not to speak about it. Shh.

**Perfection Through Silence**

_Chapter One: Prologue_

That God forsaken bell hasn't been heard ringing before her overly confident steps in four days now. Luke _knows_ why, of course. But despite having prepared himself for this, he just doesn't really _understand_ why. They had talked about this. They decided they could handle this. It would be awkward, it would be excruciating, it would be tiring... they would get past it.

But now, where is she? Without her actually being there every day, they (he) can't get over it.

It's strange, but he'd rather have her in his life as a customer, as a friend, than not in his life at all. The days when he doesn't see her feel the same; settled: wake up, take a shower, dress, eat breakfast, open the diner, say hello to Lane and Caesar, serve the customers, tell Kirk to get lost, have a lunch break, et cetera. With her in them, they are bright, warm and full of Hallmark-worthy thoughts.

Plus, without her buying coffee all the time, how is he supposed to make a living? She makes him rich (kind of).

He figures she has to come in sometime soon. Even if it's to pay her account at the end of the month. No, she could have Rory do that for her. And he'd rather she'd come for something other than payment reasons too.

Rory came back today and he knows she'll bring Lorelai with her sooner or later. Rory doesn't know anything. No one does.

Ok, this is just the kind of thought that causes cancer when you're forty-five. Focus on something else. Something less confusing. Simple and healthy like... soup?

He shakes his head frustratingly. Soup is the kind of thing Dumber would think about. Why is his mind such a blank? There are plenty of things happening to occupy his mind. Like...

Tomorrow is the last day of summer. Stars Hollow is holding the third annual Stars Hollow End of Summer Madness Festival. Kirk mentioned the theme song this year will be 'The Things We Did Last Summer' - Taylor's special Frank Sinatra pick, of course - It's shocking but it's over. This was the fastest passing summer since he was in 8th grade. Now that was one damn good summer, but not quite as good as this one. No summers could ever be quite as good as this one.

The things he'll do next summers can't really be as good as the ones he did in this.

The things he's done this summer really were _that _good.

Past tense being precisely why he must stop thinking about the things he's done this summer. And he must stop with the word summer too. Lord knows he'll be hearing it enough tomorrow.

Good, three seconds filled with no thoughts of her. He can do this.

Except he can't, he sees, as soon as Kirk decides that what he's been trying to decide for ten minutes now is that he wants coffee and a blueberry scone.

Lorelai likes coffee, blueberries and scones.

If she's been living without good coffee and burgers all this time, it's because she must really not want to see him. He actually isn't sure if he wants to see her either. The minute she walks through that door, he's sure, every single person in town will know by the look printed upon his face that he can't get over her, or stop thinking of her, or stop thinking about coffee and blueberries and scones.

It will all be stamped in capital letters on his forehead.

He's beginning to sound like her. Oh, joy.

Actually, he's proud of himself; this is the only third time he's thought of her these past four days. Mostly he can get by with his routine since between trying to get Taylor to lower down the silly music of the Ice Cream Shop and serving some costumer who doesn't know what he wants and keeps changing his order, Luke doesn't have much time to stop and let her enter his mind.

But every now and then, while the diner isn't full and there aren't any Taylors or Kirks or Babettes there to keep him busy... when Lane randomly mentions Lorelai is foolishly trying to organize the books she somehow bumped into while cleaning Rory's bedroom, when for an unknown reason he turns on the TV and catches a glimpse of _His Girl Friday_... those are the moments when he realizes that thinking is unbelievably overrated.

Now, Luke is very functional with everything he does and he likes it that way because it keeps things simple. Mostly simple. Truth being that ever since he wedded Nicole, it all has gone far from functional, or rational really. Marrying, wearing other people's socks, divorcing, egg-finding, self-help tape buying, inn-opening, kissing, affair-ing, hiding... those are all, he assumes, considered very _un-functional_ things by the Lead A Normal Diner Man Life book.

And now, as the new customer once again changes his order, Miss Patty suspiciously whispers at the corner table to Babette and his head swirls with thoughts like it hardly ever had to do before; he's just sick of thinking anything at all.

_**A week or so ago**_

As the town night lights came in through the window, he watched and wondered if he should get thicker curtains. As Lorelai lay half over him, tracing round patterns on his chest, he (paranoidly) wondered if their shadows were visible when they weren't... quite as quiet. He put it in the back of his mind, along with the plan of buying a bigger bed. One meant for a couple would be more comfortable. But the curtains, like the bed, did have their good side. With a really small bed, there was absolutely no way that they could be settled comfortably unless she was almost all over him, pretty much cuddling. The curtains allowed the perfect light in, and in the morning it helped him waking up. They had been the same for years.

The fact that someone could see them was just a little plus. He kind of wished that they got caught. He wondered if that's so wrong. Slowly, he dragged his mind to what would happen if they were caught. Would this hiding go on? Would they desperately try to cover it all with some stupid excuse?

This kind of thought wasn't allowed in their relationship, though. He'd promised her. He'd promised himself.

But thoughts aren't very predictable things.

He had just decided that he was feeling too content to start with such section 8 thought, when he heard, well rather felt, a small momentary difference in her breathing...

"What were you sighing about?"

"I wasn't sighing about anything, I was thinking."

"What were you thinking?... for?"

"Oh, nothing."

He gave her a strange look then. If there's something people catch on to very early, it is that Lorelai Gilmore is never thinking about nothing. "What were you thinking?"

Popping herself up on her elbow to be on an eye-to-eye level with him, she patiently answered: "Well, not _nothing_. I was thinking... what's your favorite crayon color?"

He blinked and made a perfectly Lorelai worthy face. "What?"

"What's your favorite Crayola crayon color?" was her insistent response.

"Blue."

She impatiently shook her head then, "No, Life Of The Party, not your favorite _boring_ crayon color! I mean periwinkle, laser lemon, atomic tangerine, razzmatazz...!"

"I don't have an interesting favorite crayon color."

"How can you not have an interesting favorite crayon color? They're the best colors!"

"Well, what's yours then?" He tried to draw the attention of the conversation off him.

It kind of worked. "Unmellow yellow, of course. You can draw all kinds of stuff with it, the sun, daisies, a house... uh! That little line on your pavement road! Also..."

Amusedly, he stopped her. He wanted to take the focus off him, but he also wanted to try to understand what went on in her often caffeine-high head. "Lorelai?"

"Yes?"

"Why were you thinking of unmellow yellows and little street lines?"

"I wasn't thinking about..." Lorelai stopped and decided to leave the impatient road behind since she was the one not making any sense (like most times). Instead, matter-of-factly, she answered him: "The day after tomorrow is Friday."

He was prepared to mock this conversation to no end but with this his tone was suddenly softened. "I know."

"We know each other, right? We've met."

"Of course," And he's the impatient one.

"And we know things about each other's lives, 'cause we're friends."

"Sure."

"And we also know... _know_ each other, because we've done _this_," Lorelai inconveniently pointed her finger down their interlaced bodies, shaking it from one side to another.

"That also," An answer with a shy smirk. He is much more discreet about certain things than she is, more reserved. It's why it's perfect, the balance.

"But... I don't know those little intimate things about you that I would know if the day after tomorrow weren't... Friday."

"Oh."

"Like, if it's winter, do you take your clothes to the bathroom to dress while it's steamy and hot or do you get out with the towel to your closet to then choose what to wear? Or when you read, do you stop and sit on the chair by the window or do you like to read before you go to sleep, in bed? When you're around the house by yourself, do you wear sweats, normal clothes, very old clothes? Or do you walk around the way God put you here on Earth?... What's your favorite crayon color?

And those are the things... is this gonna be an affair? When I think about it, will I put it on the affair, fling or relationship column? I'd hate to I put it in any of those first ones. I don't know _that_ you."

"Lorelai," came his seemingly disapproving tone.

"Look, all -"

And even though he was completely aware of the fact that he had to open the diner as early as always the next day, and that he wouldn't be able to look at customer's clothes without having discussions in his head about which color would describe that shirt, he faintly sighed and said:

"Lorelai? Let's start with the crayon colors. Unmellow yellow I think I know, what does... razzmatazz look like?"

Her left eyebrow rised up along with the corner of her lips, slowly curling in a smirk. "There are over 100 crayon colors."

"And we could have already gone through two colors if you'd stop insisting on speaking about other things."

That was his reassurance. And she knew that it would take the whole night, and that in the early morning she'd be the crankiest person on Earth, but they'd make it so she'd honestly be able to put them in the relationship column. Because he wanted her to. Because she wanted to, too. And they were both fine with that. She smiled and laid back down on his chest, her head slightly lifted with a thought.

"Razzmatazz is a really strong shade of pink that looks a lot like..."

_**Outside Luke's**_

Lorelai hasn't been avoiding Luke. She hasn't. She just doesn't have that much time anymore, with the inn opening. It's perfectly true. (That's what she'll tell him.)

Still, going over her alibi for the thousandth time in her head hasn't made her painfully bumping heart decide to stop torturing her ribs. She's been avoiding this.

Maybe he won't look as good as she remembers. Maybe he'll be just Luke who has the coffee. Maybe her imaginative Scheherazade mind has enhanced his handsomeness. She quickly peeks through the window, scanning the inside. He's talking to a customer she doesn't recognize, sideways to her. Nope, her memory is working fine. Damn.

Of all the things a year ago she thought she'd be doing in the end of this summer, doing her best to avoid seeing Luke and hoping her daughter was coming late weren't the most vivid scenarios. Everything changed so fast, it still makes her head spin more than it usually does.

Discomfort. That would be the word to describe how Lorelai is feeling this particular moment. To describe how she has been feeling last few days. She orders everything in from Al's, she doesn't want to eat at Luke's... or anywhere else for that matter. She makes her own coffee. It goes like water. She made the delivery boy from Al's go buy her more coffee, 'cause she didn't want to go to Doose's either. The poor boy had no choice since she said she wouldn't pay him if he didn't go, and that she would tell Al that he ate half of the french fries she had ordered. It was an emergency, therefore her evil behavior was necessary.

Not that in the house it's much better. She hates to pass in front of Rory's room. She avoids it like Dracula from the cross. Both her and Rory avoid going in it now. And Rory, her little girl. Seeing her still makes Lorelai's head ache. If this were Salem in the 17th century, Rory would have been burnt a while ago. The thought stops her heart.

Plus, she doesn't actually have time for much. The Inn is a success. Sookie, Jackson, Lorelai and even Michel were pleasantly surprised. They've never been busier either. Everything seems to need her to take a little look. The new group coming on Monday needs a table set for 18 every morning, how do we fit a table for 18 plus the 8 people table the McDermott family needs in one place, Lorelai? The phone on room 20 is broken. The people from room 12 are making too much noise at terrible hours, et cetera.

She hates it but she loves it. Right now she couldn't think of herself doing anything else no matter how exhausting it is. It's her dream come true, with a few twists. After all, no one dreams about their Inn having a horse food problem. You only dream the good things, the dramatic things, the life-altering juicy stuff. Lorelai's no exception.

But all thoughts of discomfort are forgotten, as Patty walks from behind her, saying Hello and walking into Luke's. She watches as the bell rings and Patty sits with Babette. She watches as Babette offers a piece of her danish and as Patty refuses, only to have Luke bring two danishes for herself. Lorelai watches everything in an almost trance-like state, almost fascinated by the routine movements made.

Danish. Danish is almost Danes, she thinks quite stupidly.

Luke Danes. Thank God it's Danes, not Danish. Luke Danish. Heh.

Lorelai, you're gonna win the next Nobel Prize.

She tries to, but the thought won't leave her momentarily constipated mind.

Luke. Danes. Danish. Luke Danes. Daaaanesss. Danes, Luke. Lorelai. Gilmore. Gil - more? Lorelai Gilmore. Luke Danes. Lorelai Gilmore. Danes. Lorelai Gilmore Danes. Luke Gilmore?

Her eyes roll fast and self- mocking as she realizes just what she's doing, "Oh please, just hand me a notebook, a pink bubble gum scented pen and one of those heart shaped ruler thingies."

Well, great, she thinks. Now she talks to herself. Shaking her head, she remembers the five steps to having an imaginary friend. Because talking to an imaginary friend is better than talking to your imaginary self. Wait, imaginary? And why just stop at one? Lorelai plans on having a whole Chevrolet Venture of imaginary friends. And then they could all have fun socializing at an imaginary party.

Lorelai blinks at the strangeness of these thoughts. Maybe this is the start of an imaginary stroke.

But there's no more time for self mocking, "What was that?" says the known voice behind her.

Lorelai's head is immediately an essay made by a kid who knows nothing about spelling being corrected by an angry, word crossing-and-correcting teacher. And all her thoughts are being altered with a red colored Bic pen. "Uh? What?"

Rory's eyebrow goes up in a suspecting and curious expression, "What were you saying just there?"

Lorelai quickly searches through the corrected words that her mind's teacher is putting in the essay, but none of them seem to work as a sentence that would excuse her talking to herself. She was so caught up in thinking about her life in the moment, she wound up forgetting the plan to go into Luke's before her kid arrived. Her search for an excuse is working so badly that she hardly registers the fact that this is the biggest sentence she has said to her daughter since Rory got back from Europe. "Oh, I was just making a mental list of things I need to buy for the Inn."

And it makes Lorelai a little nervous that Rory's eyebrow doesn't leave its mocking place upon that explanation. Maybe she actually heard what Lorelai said. "And you need to buy... rulers? For the Inn?"

Thinking of true excuses is very tiring, Lorelai thinks. And it bothers her that she doesn't have time to think of the contradiction of an excuse being true or time to think of the fact that she's trying to make true excuses to her daughter in this very moment, "Yes, well, it's our new way to make Michel do the things we tell him to. When talking twice doesn't make that thick bold head pick up the phone anymore, we have to find new ways, you know?"

A small satisfied smile is thrown her way as Rory realizes the teasing part of that sentence. She knows instantly that her mother's lying or hiding something, but this particular time she isn't going to try digging deeper into it. This is the first normal sentence she's said to her ever since that night and Rory would like to keep the mood light for as long as possible, even if it does mean ignoring the fact that her mother is deliberately trying to hide something from her for the first time since she got into Chilton, "Ah. I see. But you do remember that you never remember anything if don't write it down, don't you? Thankfully, I learned this past year that unless you plan on being kicked out, you have to bring a notebook to Yale even if you are only going to sign up for classes. So, since Mr. Whitcomb Judson's invention makes it no work at all to take said notebook out of my purse, do you want it?"

Rory doesn't wait for an answer, she's already trying to find the notebook in her purse as she's finishing saying it.

Lorelai annoyingly rolls her eyes and mutters under her breath, "Yes. And a pink pen too."

"Here," Rory says satisfied for having, after all, a notebook in her purse. The content smile makes all Lorelai's annoyance at her intelligent-yet-oblivious daughter fade away into the wind. Maybe all things can be fixed. With a small mocking grin, Lorelai answers, "Thank you."

The first nice moment between them creeps away giving place to an awkward air as Rory gradually realizes that Lorelai can't possibly make mocking-intended notes in the notebook as there are no tables to support the notebook on, and that's all because they are still outside Luke's.

Why aren't they inside Luke's?

"Uh. Remind me again why you're making mental notes of rulers for the Inn outside."

And there is the bad essay again... "You see, tomorrow is the last day of summer," Lorelai measuredly says as the words form in her head.

Slightly amused by the fact that her mother is talking to her like one of them has a mental problem, she answers in the same slow way, "Yes it is."

"So I decided to just stand outside and enjoy the sweet breeze while it's here," she says fleetingly. Well, an excuse. Not a good one, but one nonetheless.

Rory's face is expressionless for a second as she thinks of a comeback. She continues to use that slow tone, seemingly pronouncing every syllable to say, "Right. And you do know that the day after tomorrow, even though it won't be summer anymore, the _sweet_ breeze will still be here." The expressionless expression turns into a grin.

Lorelai's mind is tired and thankful for the fact that her dumb excuse was taken teasingly. She can do teasing. In the back of her mind she keeps the fact that she'll do teasing for now. Sooner or later, she and Rory will have to talk about things. She stores that fact safely in the same dusty corner of her head where she keeps all the memories. For now, teasing is good. "No! Of course it won't. The noun 'last' is there just to express the complete ending of the summer, and therefore, the breeze."

Rory rolls her eyes and ignores any seriousness of the conversation, "Fine, Amelia Bedelia. But now that you've already enjoyed the breeze enough, could we please go in? I seem to have a nagging necessity to drink coffee after a long morning with Paris."

Huh. Today is Excuse Day!, Lorelai thinks, "We have coffee at home, you know. And the diner is especially busy today, so maybe we should finish our home coffee and then we'd have a perfectly plausible reason to come here, adding people to a packed place. And we'd enjoy the breeze on the way home."

"Since when do you like your coffee better than Luke's?" Rory says with a confused look on her face. Letting it go, she discreetly dips her head a little to the diner side, "Plus, he already saw us standing out here so it'd be very weird if we didn't stay, wouldn't it?"

Lorelai's head turned in the diner's direction in a very non- discreet way and sure enough, Luke was staring right at them. As soon as she reaches his eyes, though, he looks away as if someone behind him had called his name. All of this excuse thinking. "Yeah. It would," she tiredly answers.

Contently, Rory declares, "Well, then. I'm starving! In we go."

In a beat up tone, Lorelai replies, "Ok. Sure."

Yet, sure has never had so many possibilities in Lorelai's head.

_Why is this so hard?_


	2. Ch1: And the night is never over

_Disclaimer:_Title of the chapter from The Cure's _Watching Me Fall_. I don't own Gilmore Girls, but I kindly accept donations so someday I can own them. I promise that than we'll have more JJ action and more Jared, Milo and Scott shirtless. Sorry about this if you're a boy.

_Notes:_Since I forgot a couple of things last time I'm doing this right now. This story comes from the fact that I was rather annoyed I couldn't write, and now that I've written, I'm fairly happy. It was inspired by many things, especially multiple conversations about Luke and Lorelai's future (special thanks to the JJs at I love you crazy girls).

Special, with all my heart, thanks yous to all who read and reviewed. I'm really sorry for taking almost a month to post chapter 2. I just hope people remember this fic and still want to read it anyway, I promise to be better next time. nod

I am sorry for the lack of JJ interaction in this chapter, but it's all because I want to get the R/L, R/D stuff 'fixed' as soon as possible, so it won't be a problem later. I really wish I could take off the subheadings, but I'm keeping them because this fic is supposed to have a lot of flashbacks and the time/space notion might become too confusing. And yes, you can bet that there's more angst coming your way. Couldn't help that if I tried. :)

And again, this is all because of **Ari**, **Sam** and **Kara**, who are sweethearts. Thank you. You have no idea how much it all means to me.

On with it then.

**Perfection Through Silence**

_Chapter One: And the night is never over, and this is gone_

Dragging herself up both of the the steps into the diner, she follows hesitantly as Rory opens the glass door. The bells rings faintly and the diner slightly quiets, as some of the conversations pause while the people at the tables take a look at who just walked in. In a second the conversation ensues again, only this time the air is a little more conspiring than it was before.

Rory heads automatically for the counter, seeing that the diner is packed. Lorelai stays behind her, unmoving, as her eyes desperately scan the place for a table. The counter means more interaction with the person who serves the food, which in this case is exactly what she's trying her best to avoid.

She doesn't sit down, but walks towards the counter and presses her palm against it, fingers curled tightly. She takes one more look around and notices that Luke isn't there. He must be at the back, she thinks. Calmly, she watches as the blood leaves her hands from the force of the grip and as her knuckles turn pale white.

"I don't think you pay for sitting, you know."

"What? Oh," she hadn't even realized that she was still standing. When she's nervous, a funny numb feeling comes over her. Like she doesn't have the slightest control over her body, over her hands, over her eyes and much less of her brain. She hasn't got a very good Panic Control Central.

"You know, ever since I got back you've been really distracted," Rory tells her.

"I am? Oh, you know. Inn stuff is kicking my butt like a determined soccer player."

Making a funny face at her mom's way to express herself, Rory shakes her head, "Okay, Miss Nike Ball Butt."

But Lorelai's mind is already too far away to answer her daughter's teasing insult. Okay, rephrase that. It isn't away at all. In fact, it's very close... inside the diner really. In the diner's kitchen actually. She blinks twice and realizes where her mind is taking her thoughts. This isn't good. This is _so_ the opposite of good.

It's weird but something is out of place. Yet, the tables are still the same (still no tablecloth), the apparently useless but actually emotionally-valued shelves are still there; the counter is still blue and white, the walls are still stupidly green. Everything is pretty much the same, she verifies. But something's wrong, she can feel it. Something doesn't belong. Taking a look around her, she sees it. How could she not have seen it before, when she made such a careful inspection from outside?

Must have been the fact that she was inspecting more his face and motions than his clothing.

But as he comes out from the kitchen, Lorelai narrows her eyes. She gasps and realizes that he's wearing a _new flannel_. But how? Doesn't he know that flannels aren't supposed to be new? There's no such a thing as a new flannel. In fact, when you buy a flannel it comes with strict instructions to wash at least three times and leave at least two months in your closet before your first usage. But did Luke follow the instructions? No he didn't. And now... it's too tight. Yes, too tight. And it doesn't even sound real because whoever heard of a flannel being too tight? But this one is. And you know what happens when a flannel is too tight? It allows you to see the person's muscles.

Yes. It does.

Lorelai has no idea how in hell can a flannel allow muscle defining, but this one, it _does_.

And to further prove that this is a flannel anomaly, it is yellow. Pale but yellow nonetheless. Flannels aren't supposed to be yellow. They're blue, red, earthy tones. Not yellow. It's The Rule of The World.

Lorelai narrows her eyes again. She can't help the exaggerated use of the word flannel. She just stares at it, uncomprehending. It just isn't possible.

She swallows painfully as she realizes what she's doing. It's not her fault really. Her mind apparently thinks she's Scarlett O'Hara, and she'd rather think that tomorrow is another day instead of dealing with things now. Or rather concentrate on the little side branches than on the actual tree. Whichever metaphor works best.

Her thoughts swirl and cloud her mind, almost blurring her vision as she notices he's right in front of them. Because she's holding her breath, the air doesn't seem to be getting to her head very much. She wills herself to concentrate on what is happening instead of her feelings, and so she watches as Rory smiles and Luke genuinely smiles back.

"Hey, Luke."

Suddenly, something seems to click in him. Lorelai is almost positive that he's about to slap his forehead, but he's Luke, and therefore he doesn't. Instead, he just shakes his head and says: "Ah, geez. I forgot you were coming back today. If I had remembered, I'd have made extra strong coffee and brownies."

Finding it strange that he suddenly is so eager to make coffee (and strong coffee), Rory doesn't really want to think about the fact that maybe Luke knows about the happenings between her and Dean so she just pushes it aside as niceness because of her absence.

"Oh, well, the intention counts. And while I'd have loved 'especially for me' stronger coffee, your normal coffee and pancakes will go down just fine too," Rory smiles nicely and Lorelai for a moment thinks she's about to wink at him, but she doesn't. If it were anyone else, Rory might have winked, but you don't wink at Luke.

Unless you're Lorelai and you're doing it just to see how many shades of red he'll turn. And to see how many ways he can come up with to reprehend you. But that's really not important.

It is important, however, that Rory and Luke have already turned their heads to her, expecting her to order something.

"Mom? Are you gonna order or not?"

Lorelai casts a quick look towards Luke and sees his eyes turn to his note pad before pulling herself together and turning to Rory, "Well, because the offering of stronger coffee has me momentarily stunned and brain washed, I haven't chosen yet."

"You could order a raspberry scone, and then, pretend you're not seeing me steal bits of it."

"Sounds like a plan." Even though she does see that Luke is already writing down her order, she says, "Well, bring me a raspberry scone!"

Luke, annoyed, turns to her. It's exactly what she wants, him to turn. He hasn't actually faced her since she walked in and now, it's starting to annoy her too. She knows that their ending was her fault, and that the fact that they haven't seen each other since is her fault too. But she needs him to face her, just as she's trying to face him, so he'll know that she wants their comfortable relationship to take the place of this awkwardness that settled in. Is that what he wants too?

She feels an unbelievable need to know.

Though, if he feels the same shiver she does when their eyes meet for the first time in days, he hides it very well. His voice is fast and business as usual when he asks her as quickly as she's ever heard him muster a sentence, "With powdered sugar?"

"Lots of it," she answers in an equally fast voice, hoping the catch in her throat isn't too noticeable.

"And frosting?"

"Do you have to ask?"

Just as she's turning her head to face her daughter, he asks, "And to drink?"

Lorelai catches a glimpse of Rory's shocked face before trying to cover her own, "God, I don't know, coffee?"

Luke stops scribbling for a second, seemingly shocked at her answer as well. He recovers quickly and says "Right," just before walking to the back of the diner again.

Despite the slight surprise, in fact, she understands the reason for such a shock with an obvious answer. After everything that happened, it feels strange, almost wrong, to her that everything is back to normal.

_Why hasn't the world stopped spinning?_

"Are you and Luke in a fight?"

"Uh? No," Lorelai answers, at the same time wondering if the nervousness was really that noticeable.

Rory narrows her eyes for what seems like the thousandth time that day and asks, "So you just decided to Speed Racer each other out of the blue?"

Lorelai would die denying, "What are you talking about? I'm talking normally."

"Yeah, if normal is 'IwouldliketothankmyfamilybutIwon'tbecausethatbandisjustabouttostartplaying'."

"I have no idea what you're talking about. And they always thank their families, it's only the husbands that they forget."

"Right," Rory smiles, "point is, you and Luke. No fight?"

Lorelai smiles as genuinely as she can, "No fight." Actually the problem is kind of the opposite, she thinks.

"Good." Rory takes a look around the diner and smiles at Babette but frowns when the elder woman only turns back to talking furiously to Miss Patty.

After a moment, Lorelai calls tentatively, "Hey, Rory?"

"What?"

"Did you think Luke was wearing anything different today?"

"You mean the flannel-jeans-and-cap combo of every day? No."

"Oh. Okay. But don't you think that flannel was weird? The color maybe?"

"Flannels are always kinda weird, mom. Especially in the summer."

"Yeah, you're right."

Luke comes with their plates at this very moment, saving Lorelai from having to explain to a confused Rory why the fascination with his clothes.

"Here," he mutters under his breath quickly.

"Thankyou," Lorelai says, earning an 'I told you so' amused look from Rory.

She smiles at Rory and turns to Luke with a smile still on her face and for the first time she actually sees this gentle but present mark on his face, on his eyes, that can only be sadness. Not like a wrinkle or anything as such, just this mark that changes a person subtly, saying that when he smiles, it doesn't fully reach his eyes anymore. It shakes her because no one will notice, except for her. It's the kind of mark that can only be seen with knowing.

And no one else knows.

She has it too.

And no one else will know.

Luke quietly moves out of the counter to talk to the other customers, and Lorelai is left watching his back sorrowfully.

_Why is everyone talking as usual?_

Because it is an usual day.

_Only really, it isn't._

Because how can it be?

Interrupting her trail of thought, Rory starts hesitantly, "Hey?"

"Yeah?"

"When I was coming here, I saw Isis Alberti at the Gazebo with a bunch of very professionally looking people and Taylor. They were making a really big mess, Isis and Taylor were about to kill each other with their dagger-stares. Any idea what that's about?"

"Oh, must be about her kid's birthday party. Ugh, what's her name again?"

"Vivian?"

"Yep, that's the one. She turns sixteen next month."

Rory remembers Vivian as this tall, awkward, pale kid, "Oh, right. I wouldn't have tagged Vivian as a Parker Posey kind of girl."

"I heard she only wanted a small party for friends only and Isis just decided to turn full Mrs. Dalloway on her and invite the whole town plus all the nearby towns for a _small family_ _gathering_ at the Gazebo."

Her eyebrows come closer, making a confused face and Rory asks, "Really? But, a party like that takes months of preparation..."

"Yeah. It's been, what, six months they've been planning this? Lately every single day we hear about something else being brought in for the party. The funniest rumor was that there would be blue ponies going around that night."

"Oh."

"I betcha that kid is now wishing she had taken up that offer to go to Disney World as a sweet sixteen gift instead of a party. Invitation is on the kitchen table."

"Yeah," Rory searches her mind for a clue that she knew this was happening, but doesn't find any. Painfully, she wonders if she's really been so oblivious as to everything around her these past few months. With college and everything else happening, she didn't have time for much. "I wonder how I missed this. Six months ago I definitely hadn't gone to Europe yet."

Lorelai softens and realizes what's going on through her kid's head. Rory hasn't been herself; neither of them have. "Well, you've been busy."

"Still, if it's that big deal, I should have known something about it."

Seeing her daughter's look far away, trying to comprehend what happened different this semester, Lorelai catches herself wondering what happened to them. She cast a quiet glance towards Luke's back.

_Everything changed._

_Everything is changing._

_Subtly, but these small changes make all the difference._

"Welcome back, kid."

_**The night of the Inn opening**_

She hadn't really noticed that she'd been holding a breath until the door slammed shut and her brain started screaming for oxygen. Sucking a deliberately slow breath, she calmly made her way towards the front door, preparing herself to shout a little more, just in time to catch Rory's first sob on the ground.

It took her less then a second to take in what was happening before starting to take small, measured steps towards her daughter.

Standing by Rory's side, she really did want to sit down with her and hold her as she cried, but instead she stood by her kid's side as she stagnantly sobbed. She couldn't just comfort her, she needed just as much comfort herself.

The black of the night seemed even more shadowy by the minute and though earlier in the evening the sky's bright stars gave the night a gentle and light feeling in a way that made her think everything was just beginning, the sky with diamonds, now they were just stars and even though the sky was full of them, none of them lit up the way. Everything was just beginning, and not in the good way.

She looked ahead, over Rory, to the tree in the yard. Fascinated not for any particular reason, just to focus on something steady as everything was spinning around.

Rory's noisy crying brought her dawdling back to reality, and carefully she placed her right head in Rory's shoulder. "Hon -" But as soon as she did that, Rory brutally took her shoulder away from under her mother's grip, hastily got up and turned back to their house.

She slowly turned and saw as Rory shut the door loudly on her way in. Lorelai turned back to the tree. Steady not spinning.

_I hate you_

_for ruining this for me._

Taking a few more moments, looking but not really seeing, she walked back inside and saw Rory sitting on the couch staring straight ahead.

Lorelai caught her keys and her purse on the table where she'd left them.

"Stay here. You can have my bedroom if you want, I'm spending the night at the Inn."

Rory just kept staring ahead. Lorelai watched her face, it looked like one of someone who's sleeping and having a nightmare, with her eyes still open.

Sighing, she turned and walked out, locked the door and walked to her car. The only reason she could do that, she suspected, was because it was such a routine path. Had it been anything out of the ordinary, she wonders if she'd have the strength to do it, think of a new course.

All the way to the Inn she drove carefully but not really seeing much. The radio was turned on, some channel singing old love songs, but she didn't listen to them.

She was parking when she heard laughter and saw Sookie and Jackson walking together, and her friend was happier than she'd been in a while. Little boys are very cute, but a lot of work and Sookie seemed very glad to have a little time in such a happy night to walk with her husband. Lorelai watched as Sookie recognized her car and waved happily, and Jackson smiled to her too. She didn't do anything because she knew it was dark and they wouldn't be able to see her even if she waved back.

They walked inside the Inn and closed the door, but Lorelai stayed in her car.

Everything was quiet again, nothing but the night sounds around her.

"You plan on spending the night in there?" She heard his familiar voice say as he softly knocked on her closed window. She didn't turn to him, but she could hear the grin in his voice.

She knew he expected her to unlock the car so he'd be able to come in, and so she did. Without looking at him.

"I was just telling Sookie and Jackson about Kirk. They heard him screaming and running around and were kind of afraid. I swear to God, one of these days I'm gonna put Kirk in a...," as he said all that while he walked in and settled himself, only now it dawned on him that Lorelai probably didn't hear any of it, which he considered very strange since she usually interrupts and voices her opinions loud and clear as soon as, "Lorelai?"

Lorelai closed her eyes and rested her head against the seat. She really needed him.

"Luke, can we talk about it later?"

Luke stared at her, trying to understand what she was saying, to figure if it had a deeper meaning or if it was just that. He couldn't. "Uh, yeah, sure."

She wanted him there, so much.

"I just - such a busy night, I need some alone time," she dropped her head and rested it on the steering wheel as she said it, but still didn't so much as glance at him.

"Oh," he nodded and took a second to take in what was happening and then he turned, opened her car's door and stepped out.

Just as he was shutting the door, she called out, "Luke?"

He opened the door again carefully but didn't bend down to look at her as she said, "I'll call you tomorrow."

Lorelai turned to him and reached out her hand to hold his. He bend down and looked in, their eyes meeting. She tried to smile but it came out somber and it never quite reached her heart, "Goodnight."

"Night."

_**After Luke's, walking home**_

She isn't used to walking around and having people turn their heads away quickly, as if they had been caught staring or talking about her. As if they just couldn't look, like something you look at but it brings a terrible memory and so you try not to look at it as much as you can. But the difference is, with things you can either forget about it as time goes by, or just throw them away if it becomes too painful. With people it tends to be even more painful, but you can't throw them away, and it takes much more to forget.

It somehow makes it even worse that she knows those face-turnings aren't directed at her, because she's been here all summer and none of this happened. They're directed at her daughter. Her automatic response to it is a protective instinct towards Rory. The need to comfort and to hold and tell her that everything will be good. That people are just meddling and soon they'll forget about it. But she can't.

It's not true.

The breeze that was there before suddenly feels, to her, as cold as the looks she imagines they'd get from people if they dared to look their way. She braces herself and takes a peek at her side. Rory feels it too. Her face is down, as though something about the gray sidewalk patterns fascinates her.

Not everyone knows, of course. She remembers why she came here in the first place. Running away from her parent's house was something she'd do anyway. But Stars Hollow was the chosen destination for a simple reason; it was the only place that would take her like Jean took Cosette, with no questions asked, only worrying about the consequences later. She stayed because she realized that even though all the little freak-shows and prying, the people really cared. And they knew how to separate curious from inconvenient. When it was really important, at least.

Miss Patty, Babette, Morey and other people close to them had only found out a while ago. At first some of them, like Miss Patty, took it personally, the fact that they hadn't been told about it from Lorelai. But mostly they understood why it had been kept quiet and and while none of them approved what Rory and Dean had done, it was too late to undo it, and Rory was already stuck in their hearts. The major feeling around town was of bewildered disappointment, not of disdain or judgment.

Emily, Sookie and Luke were the only people she had actually told.

Though she could never have predicted that her daughter would sleep with a married man, and even though she doesn't even remotely approve of that attitude, Lorelai still knows Rory.

She knows Rory better than she knows herself.

And she knows that even though Rory craves for approval, the disappointment hurts her more than people pointing at her on the streets could ever do.

Because if you feel disappointed, it's because you care, or at least once did. And not many things hurt more than knowing you've hurt people you love. Than seeing the new light that people look at you in, reflected in their eyes.

And it distresses her, because Lorelai knows that such a light can also be seen in her own eyes.

When Lindsay found out what had happened, she didn't go around telling people. She could have, because from what Lorelai saw, the girl was very angry. But at first it was just her, Lindsay and Dean's close family and friends who knew little details about the separation. Slowly the story made and is still making it's way through all of Stars Hollow's ears. Lindsay didn't tell anyone, she supposes, because of the humiliation of having been cheated on. Because it was with someone she knew and someone who came before her. Something she thought was over, really wasn't and Lorelai supposes the girl felt her pride slipping away, as the marriage she thought was real turned out to be a lie.

Of course, Lorelai only met the kid briefly so there's no way she can figure out what she's thinking. Yet something about Lindsay made Lorelai think that it was a girl that knew about pride, and having it hurt, as much as Lorelai herself did.

Lindsay's folks respected her wish to not let the word run around town, and Dean's parents weren't very keen on telling people that the reason their son's one year old marriage ended was because he had slept with his ex. But the close friends they had told, in time, told their own close friends, and so on, and on, and on. And through the summer Lorelai's started seeing more and more quietly sympathetic looks being thrown Lindsay's way.

"C'mon, kiddo. _Wuthering Heights_ is on today at two. If we walk faster we might catch the beginning."

Rory gladly abided and in a couple of seconds, they were back home.

Or back at the house, anyway.


	3. Ch3: Not the same

_Disclamer: _Don't own. Don't sue. Pleeeease.

_Notes: _I realize that I suck at updating. I should be put in update jail or something. I have to excuses. I hope there's still people reading; people interested. This is my first GG fic, and I seem to have grown fond of it. ;)

I tried it _without the time tags_. It'll flip from present/past in at some point. If it gets too confusing, do tell. It's a fairly huge chapter this time. :)

Of course, thanks to the reviewers who _make my day(s)_. Always. To **Ari**, **Sam**, and **Karah**. You're lovely, and I couldn't ask for better people to read this for me. And to the JJ thread. You're the bestest.

**ETA:** I'm so sorry about some of you getting about a million of author alerts from me. was being a little problematic, but I promise, or hope, that it's the end of it.

**Perfection Through Silence**

_Chapter Two: Not the same_

Staring at the invitation, Lorelai waits for the coffee to be done. The black paper tells her in metal purple fancy letters that she and daughter Rory Gilmore are cordially invited to Vivian Alberti's 16th birthday. Shrugging off the feeling that this party isn't going to be exactly 'Brad and Jen's wedding day' good, she hastily puts the card under the toaster.

She opens the cabinet to get two coffee cups when she realizes that she already has two clean ones sitting right in front of her screaming _'pour me a drink'_. She turns the coffee maker off and takes the little jar and does pour coffee in the cups. Then, after putting the jar back in the coffee maker, she turns and takes the cups in the living room.

"There you go," she says, handing Rory her cup and settling by her side on the couch.

"Ah, hot!" Rory tells her, making a face. "You know, a normal person would think this cup is too hot to be held like this, but you don't even notice, do you?"

"Nope," Lorelai tells her happily. "Kinda like not feeling your feet after wearing heels for too long."

"Masochist."

"Just press play, Steve."

The movie begins and Lorelai roars along with the MGM lion. They sit quietly but the loud television doesn't allow the room to be silent. Still, neither of them notice it.

"Okay, this is going in the Gilmore's Must Tell Everyone About." Rory chuckles.

"Definitely," Lorelai agrees laughingly. "Ah, geez, maybe we shouldn't have stolen this car," she attempts in a rough voice.

"Oh, no! Here comes a truck... I wish I weren't half out of the car!" Rory laughs when the black car on screen hits a street light, spins and continues running. "I can't believe Luke didn't like this movie."

Lorelai shrugs and finishes chewing on the marshmallow in her mouth before answering. "Yeah, well, I guess he just isn't fond of movies where a four dudes steal a car and somehow get chased on 5th while one of them has his better side out of window."

"Mom, the guy has his," she pauses slightly, "butt out of the car."

"Again, one of them has his better side out of the window," Lorelai confirms seriously.

"You have your priorities straight." Rory chuckles and glances her mother sideways. "When did you make Luke watch this anyway?"

"Oh." Lorelai turns to Rory, who is still facing the TV. "Over the summer, on a night off. With you gone, and both of us with nothing to do... it just screamed for movie night."

Sensing her mother turned her way, watching her, Rory smiles uneasily and says, "Oh. Okay."

Relieved that Rory let it go quickly, Lorelai turns back to watch the movie. She remembers the night she made Luke watch that movie. Very well.

Relief goes away and she flinches slightly when Rory says, "Hey, mom?"

"Hmm?"

"Before the Inn test run...," Rory says, pausing to see her mom's reaction. When only an expectant glance comes, she continues, "remember how you were telling me about Liz and T.J's wedding?"

Lorelai remembers. "Ye-es. Faintly."

"Oh, you told me that Luke could waltz -"

Lorelai interrupts her to agree, "Luke _can_ waltz."

"And then you said that you thought you were dating Luke..." Rory trails off, expecting her mother to continue.

Considering what she could say quickly, Lorelai pushes aside the thought that, apparently, she's going to be making a lot more excuses, so she'd better get good at it. "Did I?"

"Uh-huh. You did," Rory tells her seriously.

"Oh, well. I was wrong." Lorelai immediately marvels at how quickly it slips out her tongue. She wonders when Rory will quit letting her off the hook so easily, and she hopes it's not now. "He just wanted to go watch a movie. Hang out."

Rory nods and turns back to the movie. After a few seconds Lorelai does too.

"Oh my God," Rory says suddenly. "Did Luke tell you off?"

Lorelai turns to her daughter's shocked face, surprised."What? No! Where did you get that idea?"

Eyeing her suspiciously, Rory shook her head slowly. "I don't know. You were half ignoring each other this morning, something must have happened."

"Nothing happened, you're just imagining things. Jet lag does that to you."

But Rory still looked suspicious and it made Lorelai more nervous than she thought something like this would. She had actually thought she had gotten good at the hiding thing. "But. How did you realize that he wasn't interested, I mean... you did go out for a movie right? You must have done something."

Taken aback, Lorelai thinks that being good at the hiding thing probably isn't something to be proud about. "Yeah, we went out, but nothing happened and then things went on and still, nothing happened so, naturally, I assumed nothing was going to happen. And I was right. So," Lorelai shakes her head and wishes she had a drink. "Call that day hangover."

"Wow."

"Thanks. You'd think I rape all of my dates or something."

Stuffing a marshmallow on her mouth quickly, Rory shakes her had in disagreement. "No, I didn't mean it like that." She pauses and shakes her head a little more. "It's just that Luke has always... and then you went to the wedding so I figured..."

"Figured what, Rory?" It comes out as harsh as Lorelai intended, but she regrets it a second later.

"Nothing mom, never mind." They stare at each other a little, until Rory turns back to the TV. "Look, the point of view changed again," she says pointing at the screen.

Staring at Rory for a minute more, Lorelai nods. She wonders why Rory keeps letting go of things so easily. Maybe it's a new no fight policy. Rory looks extremely determined to keep her eyes on the movie and Lorelai briefly understands that the little awkwardness isn't about to just go away.

Slipping her arm around her kid's shoulder, she brings them closer together. "This movie is too good."

* * *

Lorelai groaned at the light on her face, wishing it would go away. When it didn't, she slowly opened her eyes and turned her head to the other side, wondering why her neck hurt so much. Because the light hit her face so determinately, little colorful balls formed in her vision while she adjusted to the brightness and the surroundings. Her neck, her whole body actually, felt like it was burning with a fever and she asked herself sleepily why someone would leave the lamp on so close to her. And then she realized how little space there was to move. 

Maybe sleeping in a car, in the summer, with one window slightly open wasn't the best idea ever. Trying to get her back to feel normal again, she wanted to stretch her arms, but her hands ended up hitting the car's ceiling. Opening the door, she went out and locked the car, but as soon as she took her first step towards the Inn she thought her clothes felt too tight to have been slept in and she wished she hadn't been wearing heels.

"Can't run an Inn in sweats," she said, but her voice came out rough, her throat felt warm, and she realized she probably had a bad breath from not brushing her teeth last night.

Walking inside, she kind of wished there weren't so many stairs.

"Oh, you're up. Good," Sookie said cheerfully behind her.

"Aah, don't do that," Lorelai said, almost losing her balance. "I'm having trouble with my heels."

"Sorry, hon," Sookie told her sympathetically. "You look like you slept in a car."

Lorelai rolled her eyes. "You saw me? Why didn't you wake me up?"

"You're not known for being your bright and cheery self in the morning," Sookie said, wrinkling her nose a bit.

Lorelai nodded and shrugged. "It's okay. It's just, I feel like I walked a thousand miles and sat in a mini bus with twenty Brady Brunch people for sixteen hours straight, only to realize that I'm in the wrong bus -"

"And then got out and was hit by a Ferrari?" Sookie said, understanding. "I know that feeling."

"Not a good feeling."

"Sorry, hon," Sookie said again. "What happened to you last night?"

Sighing, Lorelai closed her eyes. "Nothing. I went to my house, to pick up band-aids because of the Kirk thing, and then there was the Rory thing," she said, waving the thought away with her hands, "and when I got back here, I guess I was just a little too tired to get out of the car."

"Aham," Sookie nodded, biting her tongue not to ask too many questions. She succeeded for a second, before tentatively asking, "the Rory thing?"

"Yeah," Lorelai agreed and didn't say anything else.

"Not chatty?"

"I just need a shower like Madonna needs her make-up."

Sookie smiled a little. "Then go. We'll talk about it later."

Smiling thankfully, Lorelai walked two more steps up before turning around. "Wait, Sookie?"

Sookie turned back Lorelai and asked, "Yeah?"

"What time is it?" Lorelai asked fearing the answer a little.

"About ten to eleven," Sookie said knowingly.

"Ah. Oh God, I'm sorry," Lorelai said, shaking her head and making her way back down the stairs. "I left you all alone running this place."

"Don't worry, I had Michel."

"Oh, I suck."

Sookie half-smiled and shook her head a little. "It's okay. Everything went fine. You're not the only one who can run an Inn, you know?" Sookie smiled a little more. "In an hour we're serving lunch, so everyone should be here, don't worry."

Lorelai smiled thankfully. "Thanks, Sook. If you ever need, I'll be the first to take over the kitchen for a day."

Sookie smiled and nodded. "Kitchens involve cooking."

"I'll be the first to hire someone to take over the kitchen for a day."

"I'll appreciate that."

Lorelai smiled a little and turned around.

* * *

"I worship showers," Lorelai muttered to herself as she sat on the bed, slipping her shoes on. She picked her earrings off the bedside table and put them on, and then she stopped and sighed. 

She had been trying very hard to not allow any thoughts about the other night to enter her brain, fighting each one away, only to have them all come running in together, making all kinds of mess.

What if things weren't ever the same again? If she took a look around, everything was changing. Rory, the one and only most permanent thing in her life. Luke, following right behind. The Independence Inn, which she had worked on for the better part of her life was nothing but a burnt out memory. She closed her eyes and let herself feel her own slow heartbeat, and wondered if the Dragonfly could ever replace the Independence Inn.

She shuddered.

Hearing the noises coming from the guests, she groaned, held a spot behind her neck that hurt and lifted herself off the bed, closing the bedroom door quietly on her way out.

Walking down the stairs, Lorelai hears Miss Patty on the dinning room, talking cute to Davey. She walks in the dining room and smiles to everyone.

"Hey sugar, we were wondering what happened to you," Babette told her.

"Oh, I just ran home earlier this morning, had to get a few things," Lorelai lied. She smiled and saw Babette open her mouth to say something else when little Davey made a sound.

"Oops, He's got that look on his face. You might want to give him back to me," Jackson said matter-of-factly.

Miss Patty just smiled, took a look at Davey's face and said, "Oh, please, if I went running every time some guy tried to crap all over me, I never would have gotten married."

Lorelai smiled and took her chance to slip out of the dining room into the kitchen. "Hey, Sookie," she started, but as soon as she what was happening in the kitchen, she stopped. "Oh my God, what happened to you?"

Sookie and Luke turned to her, only just noticing her. Sookie had a bag with ice in her hand, and as she handled it to Luke he groaned and said, "I got hit."

"Yeah, I can see that," Lorelai said. She looked at the already purple bruise on his face and instantly awful thoughts creeped in, she remembered Jason's appearance and panicked. "Oh, God. Where's Jason? Did he do that to you?"

Luke looked surprised, and somewhat offended. "You think Jason could hit me?"

Sookie chuckled and said, "Jason's apartment was on fire."

Lorelai's eyes opened wide and then after a second of thinking about it, she asked suspiciously, "It was?"

"Well, that's what Michel had me say when we called his cell phone," Sookie smiled and in anyone else it would have been a cocky smart-ass smile, but Sookie doesn't do cocky smart-ass.

Lorelai smiled and then shook her head. "Thanks. But... what then?"

Luke turned his face down and she heard Sookie's chuckle. He muttered something, but Lorelai didn't catch it. "What? Who hit you?"

This time she heard Luke's murmur. "Kirk."

Lorelai giggled. "What was that? Kirk?"

Sookie chuckled more while she checked on her food. Luke faced Lorelai and rolled his eyes grumpily. "Yes."

"And you got defensive about Digger?" Lorelai giggled again.

Luke just shot her a look and put ice on his bruise, making a painful sound.

"But, how?" Lorelai asked amusedly.

Luke kept looking at her grumpily a little while before answering, "after you I talked, I went off to see Kirk, who fell butt first on Taylor's rose brushes."

"Ouch."

"It was bad," Sookie agreed, throwing salt in her food. She then pointed at Luke. "He had me take the thorns off."

Lorelai raised her eyebrows in a question towards Luke. "What? I've seen Kirk naked enough to last a couple of lifetimes. And then some."

Sookie and Lorelai chuckled. "But how did that leave you with..." Lorelai pointed at her own face, making circles trying to indicate his bruise.

"This morning I tried to wake him up, to get him to his room before everyone came downstairs, and he got real hysterical and thought I was Freddy Krueger," Luke told her. "I know that because he screamed 'don't Freddy!' over. and. over. again." He groaned.

"Oh, my," Lorelai said amusedly, trying to keep from laughing. "Didn't Freddy Krueger only kill children, though?"

Sookie smiled and shook her head, "That's Kirk for you. A child on the inside."

Lorelai smiled, and then took a look at Luke's bruise. "Why are you only icing it now?"

Luke shrugged. "Kirk tried to hit me so many times that I didn't even feel it. Then I went back to my room, tried a little more sleep, but your guests are really loud." Sookie shrugged and nodded. "I only noticed it about twenty minutes ago, when Babette told me that I had a 'black hole' on my face. And then I looked on the bedroom mirror and sure enough..."

"Boom, big black hole on your face," Lorelai completed helpfully. "Like a pimple."

Luke shot her a grumpy look and didn't answer. Sookie chuckled and walked towards the door. "This has to sit a while longer." She nodded towards the pan. "I'm gonna check on the dinning room."

Lorelai turned to her as she closed the door. "Okay, hun." Turning back to Luke she smiled sorrowfully. "Uh, I... uh, sorry."

"It's fine. Doesn't hurt now that I've been icing it for about twenty minutes. We had to change ice bags three times already, so I think I'll stop soon."

Lorelai shook her head. "Not about that. Well, about that too. But about the way I acted last night."

Luke shrugged and tried to look nonchalant. "It's fine. Busy night."

"Yeah, I realized that I was, um, a little distracted," Lorelai said, trying to get the point across and not quite doing it.

Luke shrugged and looked down. "No big deal."

"Uh, no, no it... weren't we supposed to be going for a movie this weekend?" she said, suddenly remembering.

"Oh, yeah, I guess when we planned that we kinda forgot about the test run," Luke agreed.

"Yeah, probably all the wedding lights got over our heads," Lorelai said, and she thought about how that didn't make much sense. "Do you think maybe, that we could rain check? For Monday? The test run will be over and I think I just might need a break," she added tentatively then.

Luke smiled a little and nodded. "Yeah, guess so."

She smiled too, and after a few seconds too long of smiling, she added, "So you concur?"

"Dear God, yes."

She wanted to giggle a little, but then she thought it might make her look silly, so she didn't. Instead she smiled wickedly and said, "dirty!"

He smiled broader and was about to say something when they heard the door open and little and saw Sookie hold it, but not walk in because she was still half talking to Jackson outside.

"I'll call you to figure out the details, okay?" Lorelai said quickly.

"Tonight?" he asked.

"Tonight," she agreed.

Sookie then went in and and told Lorelai that her mother was on the phone. Lorelai made a sound and and turned to walk back to the front desk but just as she was opening the door, she heard Sookie say, "Kirk told me about last night, how Jason chased him, and then he saw you and Lorelai kissing, before Freddy joined Jason and chased him around town."

Lorelai froze for a second before she heard Luke clear his throat and Sookie say, "crazy nightmare. Freddy and Jason aren't friends."

Then she opened the door and walked in the dinning room not knowing if she felt relieved or not that Sookie thought it was a dream. Walking to the front desk, she saw Michel the phone in his hand, pointing it at her. "Where were you?"

She shrugged. "I had to go back home."

Michel looked offended. "I had to talk to Taylor myself." Then he added painfully, "three times."

Lorelai tried to look sympathetic, but failed; she didn't want to talk to Taylor either. "Gimme the phone."

Michel handled her the phone and muttered, "that little _horreur_ of a man."

Lorelai nodded and said into the phone, "hey, mom."

"Did you know I was on the phone?"

Lorelai rolled her eyes. "Yes, I did."

She could hear the scowl on her mom's face. "Yet, you made me wait to you could gossip about a man."

"We weren't gossiping. Taylor is a _horreur_ of a man, fact. And good morning, mother."

"It's twelve thirty-five, Lorelai."

"Ah, look at that. I should be running an Inn," she said impatiently.

"When you own an Inn, you have to run it at all times, Lorelai," Emily said matter-of-factly.

"All the more reason why I shouldn't be on the phone," Lorelai told her.

"Fine." She could hear her mother rolling her eyes. "I just called to ask at what time I should show up for lunch. I'm getting hungry."

Lorelai raised her eyebrows. "We're having lunch?"

"Yes, it was your idea, Lorelai. When you invited your father and me for the weekend, you said it included a lunch with you and Rory."

"Well, yes, I know, but that was before you left," Lorelai said, remembering. She had actually been kind of relieved that there would be no lunch. One less thing to deal with.

"What does my leaving have to do with anything?"

"Well, when you left, you weren't here anymore. You were gone, so we just assumed lunch was -"

Emily interrupted her. "This lunch was your idea."

"Yes, I know, but -" Lorelai shook her head. Maybe just getting lunch over with would be a better idea. She rolled her eyes and said "Fine, mom. At one thirty. Is that time enough to get here?"

"Yes, that's perfect," Emily said happily.

"Well, peachy," Lorelai said in a false cheerful voice.

"I'll let you go back to your Inn then."

"Bye, mom," and she hung up before Emily could answer. Sighing, she told Michel that she was leaving and would be back in about half an hour.

"But what if Taylor wants to talk to you again and finds _me_?" Michel whined.

"Tell him I went to China to deal with Freddy Krueger and I'll be back on Tuesday," she said, already walking upstairs to get her purse and car keys.

"But he won't believe that!" Michel cried.

* * *

Rory heard her mom walk in and head to the kitchen, but she didn't pay attention. She was trying hard to not pay attention to anything. Lorelai walked in the living room and Rory felt her stare a little before turning. 

"Here, take this." Lorelai said as she swiftly put something in Rory's left hand. Rory turned her head up towards her mother.

"What is it?" Upon a closer look, Rory recognized it. A little cream colored pill. "What? No."

"Rory."

"No, mom. I told you, we were a regular after school special." It surprised her how fast she could get angry. In a second she went from quiet and thinking to offended, feling the instinctive need to protect herself and her pride. Maybe she really was that much like her mom.

"Rory, just take it."

"Are you kidding me? No, I'm not taking it."

Lorelai closed her eyes. _Oh_ _God, how can I be this tired?_ "Rory, just... please take it."

Sometimes you think, 'this is as worst as it gets'. Seeing her mother, tired and disappointed, still with the remnants of the other night's anger. There are consequences to your actions. Rory really did think that the worst she'd feel was this, feeling betrayed by something that was previously trustable; feeling betrayed by herself; feeling disgusted with herself, with her actions; feeling dizzy and confused; feeling actually physically exhausted... it does get worst.

"Where did you get it anyway?"

"I stopped by the pharmacy on my way here," Lorelai said.

Only seeing her mother standing there after what was one of the longest nights of her life, she realized that besides all, she was responsible. The reason for Lorelai's tiredness. The reason Lindsay will have her life wrecked. Responsible. For the first time in her life, she felt like all the world has just settled on her own shoulder. Heavy, confusing. She felt numb with it, as if any step she could take would either be a step back or a step forward, only into a precipice.

The tears came and blurred her vision but she refused to let them fall again. She put out her right hand and Lorelai understood that she wanted to see the pack for herself.

Rory read the little kit and the more she looked at it, the more she felt her heart slowly sinking. _Take the second tablet 12 hours after you take the first tablet._ So impersonal, despairing really. Pregnancy didn't really worry her, they had been safe. If she were to take this, she'd do it for her mom.

Closing her eyes, she realized that it actually didn't feel much better. _Why do people do it? Closing your eyes when things get bad? _"Are there side effects?"

_Doesn't make it any better._

Lorelai sighed and rubbed her eyes. "Yes. Vomiting, nausea, swelling...," she answered honestly. "It's not an abortion pill or anything. But if you're not, it's a prevention... you used a condom, I know you did. But it isn't 100 percent safe, Rory. But if you take this, chances of getting pregnant are slim to none."

Rory shook her head confidently. "I'm not pregnant," she said matter-of-factly. It just wasn't an option.

If only it were that easy. "Don't say that. You can't know that. I didn't know that."

Rory sighed.

Rory knew she was a child of unprotected sex; either she liked it or not. She had a pretty wonderful life but this was a little fact, that made a difference in people's eyes. It's not easy, knowing that most people think your birth was a mistake. Rory imagined all the ways a kid could be scarred knowing she was a child of adultery. The one to ruin a perfect Ivy League college girl's life. Taking the pill for her mother would be stupid.

_It's a humiliation we've had to live with every day._

_It's not an abortion pill._

_She had that baby and ended his future._

It's a prevention to fertilization, Rory told herself. _If I'm taking this, it's for myself._

"Will you take it?" Lorelai had her arms crossed in front of her chest and Rory could tell she was getting impatient. Without hesitating, she answered, "No. But can I get a doctor's phone number?"

Considering this for a moment, Lorelai nodded and thought that it was better this way. She had just stopped by the pharmacy impulsively, but quick decisions are too drastic. She isn't like that. "I have it on my phonebook. I'll go get it."

She watched her mom walk upstairs and stared at the pattern of their wallpaper. She closed her eyes and hoped it was all just a bad dream. It wasn't.

Lorelai walked back downstairs, caught the phone, and handled it to her, along with a little black book, opened on D. She watched the number and started to dial. "What? Am I a TV?" she said, and immediately felt childish.

Lorelai gave her a fake, annoyed, smile. "I almost forgot. Your grandmother is going to the Inn for lunch. She expects us there."

Rory clicked on the 'talk' button of the phone. "But she left."

"Could you just shower quickly and get back there?"

"I'm kind of busy," Rory said, waving the phone.

Lorelai cleared her throat. She didn't want to get into a fight. "Rory, this is not for me, okay? This is for your grandmother. You like your grandmother, remember?"

Rory shrugged. "Fine."

"Great." But Lorelai didn't go away. She just kept watching her and Rory listened to the persistent beat in the phone. _Why isn't anyone answering?_

Lorelai sighed, and her tone softened. "I really thought we could talk this out. As friends."

Rory nodded and bit her lip. "Yeah, well. We already talked. Last night. And just now, again."

"You'd think nineteen years of a great relationship would mean we're able to talk things out. But, no. Maybe it's twenty," she said bitterly.

"Maybe it is," Rory agreed spitefully.

"He's married," Lorelai told her.

"You said that already, the point's come across," Rory answered, trying to end the conversation.

"I don't think it has," Lorelai said matter-of-factly.

"Well, it did. You can stop now," Rory said. She realized how much she didn't want this. This conversation, this fight. She realized what she'd done. She regretted it. Didn't her mother get that? The point did come across. Rory felt stubborn fighting with her mom. But she did anyway. Why couldn't she just shut up? "I know what I'm doing."

"Yeah, of course. You're nineteen, you know what you're doing," Lorelai said, sarcasm dripping off everywhere.

"I do know what I'm doing," Rory said, but even to her it sounded unconvincing.

"Great. Then we won't talk."

Rory agreed. "Terrific."

Lorelai grabbed her purse from the table. "The lunch is at one thirty. Be there."

Rory smiled bitterly and waved at her with the phone. "Bye."

* * *

Coming out of her room, Lorelai stopped at the middle of the stairs, watching Rory get a call and ignore it, turning off her phone and tucking it away in her purse. Concerned, she made her way down and she was about to ask what happened, when Rory turned to her and rolled her eyes. 

"I'm all done packing. Can we go now?"

Forgetting any kind of concern, Lorelai shrugged. "I thought you didn't want to go."

"Well, I changed my mind. After all, grandma wants me there, you want me there. A whole lot of wanting, and Europe. What's not to love?" Rory said sarcastically.

"Obviously."

Rory picked up her purse and bag. "Let's just go."

Lorelai nodded. Just as they were walking out the door, Rory stopped and said angrily, "I can't believe you'd ship me off."

Lorelai turned to her and then turned away again, saying, "You could have said no, said you had Yale things or whatever."

Rory watched her mother walk out the house and followed close behind, shaking her head a little. "No, I couldn't," she said softly.

* * *

She was driving, already reaching Stars Hollow, coming from the airport. The radio was on, and a Genesis song was playing. It sang in a 70's beat, _though she will mess up your life, you want her just the same_, and Lorelai took in the song without giving it much thought. She was paying attention to the road, and trying to focus in it, when her cell phone rang. It was dark, and she thought that she really shouldn't get it while driving, but she picked her phone from the purse next to her. 

Looking at the caller ID first, when she found a number she didn't recognize, she just got more curious and decided to answer anyway. "Hello?"

"Hey."

Lorelai smiled. "Hi."

Luke smiled too, and answered, "Hey." There was a slight pause, neither knowing what to say, but it wasn't very uncomfortable.

"So, where are you?"

"Uh, driving back from the airport."

"Oh," he paused and considered that, after a while considering, he figured it'd lead nowhere. "Why?"

Lorelai's smile became sad, and she turned the radio down. "Rory went to Europe for the summer."

Luke searched his brain for an indication that he knew Rory was going to Europe and found none. "Oh. Right."

"With my mother," Lorelai added, knowing he was confused.

"You okay with that?"

Lorelai shrugged and made took a left turn. "Guess so. Rory needs time away right now."

"She does?"

"She does," Lorelai agreed. Luke thought of how odd it was that Lorelai, who could be more loud and noisy than all the population of Tokyo together if she wanted to, didn't want to comment further on something. But then, he thought about how different she was with her daughter. With her daughter, she was softer, more understanding, more responsible and more whatever the situation called for.

"Okay," he said. She'd tell him when she wanted to. "So, are you closest to your place or to the airport?"

Lorelai smiled at his understanding and at the sign she was just about to bypass. The 'welcome to Stars Hollow' sign. "Definitely to home." Then she thought about it a little. "Why?"

"Because I'm standing in front of your house, but it's a hot night, and I don't plan to do this for the rest of it," he said, half-smiling.

Lorelai grinned. "You're in front of my house?"

"Yes."

She shook her head, as if to shake away the confusion. "Are you planning on breaking and entering?"

"Depends on where you are."

"About five minutes from there," she said, looking around.

"Then breaking and entering can wait for another time."

She laughed lightly, before adding, "why are you in front of my house again?"

He shrugged. "I came to say goodbye."

Lorelai's smile fell off her face and she blinked. "What?"

Only then Luke realized how that sounded, and tried to correct it quickly, "For a week. I got a call from my sister and T.J. They're up in Maine, and they got into an accident -" Lorelai gasped and he added, "nothing major, just each one of them broke an arm and a leg."

Lorelai sighed, not knowing if she was relieved or not, because it was only for week or because if was for, well, a week. "Are they okay, though?"

He shrugged and leaned on his car. "They can't run the Renaissance Fair booth for a couple of weeks. So they asked me to come and help them out, and I, unfortunately, answered the phone, so I'm on my way to Maine."

"Very chivalrous of you," she said playfully.

He made a face and a sound that indicated he wished he hadn't been 'chivalrous'. "Yeah, I'm a regular Lancelot."

Suddenly, a thought crossed her mind. "Where are you calling from?"

"Oh, I got a cell phone."

She laughed loudly. "Oh, no, you didn't."

"I didn't?"

She laughed again. "No. You hate cell phones."

He smiled slightly and answered. "Yeah, they'll kill you."

"You should be a politician."

"Do as I say, not as I do," he provided. Then he added, "I just thought that, being away, uh, someone might, you know, want to call."

She smiled, instantly realizing what it meant. Softly, she said, "Yeah?"

"Yeah." He stopped and thought for a second. "The number is, um, 860-294-1986."

"Luke, I have caller ID. And I'm driving."

He shook his head. "Yeah, right. You shouldn't be on the phone while driving, you know?" She ignored him, something he'd gotten used to. After neither spoke for a while, he asked again, "So, how far are you?"

"Impatient, are we?" She grinned wickedly as she turned around the corner, into her street. "Um, not very far, I think," she said just as she spotted him watching her car.

They didn't say anything while she parked her car in the driveway, behind his, and jumped out of the car, locking the door. They were both still with their cell phones in close to their ears, Lorelai walking away from her car, Luke leaning on his. "Hi," she said into the phone.

He smiled and turned off his cell phone, putting it in his pocket. She faked shock for a moment and said, "I'll have you know that hanging up in a person's face is very rude," before turning her own off.

He shrugged nonchalantly. "I'm new to the cell phone thing."

She raised an eyebrow, teasingly. "Same applies to phones."

He shrugged sheepishly. "I'm new to the technology thing."

She laughed and approached him, a smirk on her face. "So, what brings you to this side of town." He just shook his head, because she kept getting closer to him. Finally, she stopped at a respectable enough distance and raised her eyebrow invitingly.

"So, wanna come in?" And started her way to the house.

"I have to get to Maine," he said, but followed her anyway. She looked back at him, smiled knowingly, and continued towards her front door. She found her keys and opened the door, walked in and realized that he was right behind her. She then dropped her keys and purse in the hall's little table.

Turning around, she smiled and suddenly felt uneasy and nervous. "So."

Sensing the change in her, he began feel uneasy himself. Then he thought about how stupid it was, because they'd been alone, in her house too, a number of times. And then he thought, not like this; never like this.

"Would you like some coffee?" she asked, for the lack of else to say.

He shot her a look, and she curled her lips in an apologetic smile. Her arm lifted in a shrug, and she said, in what to her, sounded like a weak voice, "It was nice of you to stop by before leaving."

He nodded and looked around, as if he had never seen her hall before, knowing that he had a dozen times before. She turned, and hoped he'd catch the drift to follow her (he did) and walked into the living room, turning the light on.

She watched him a minute and waited for something to happen, expectantly. He stood close to her, and she had an urge to look anywhere but him.

"So," he started. "I came to tell you I was leaving, which I did, and to say goodbye." He stopped, and she waited for him to continue. "Goodbye," he added.

"Goodbye, Luke," she said, tingling with excitement. She wondered numbly when was the last time she felt so... wonderfully jumpy. She wanted to laugh at her own cheesiness but suddenly, he looked kind of wild, and caught her hand, massaged it gently with his thumb, and it didn't feel so funny anymore.

She licked her bottom lip, and he lowered his head to her. She smiled in anticipation, one moment before his lips touched hers. His mouth moved hers slowly, it sent shivers up and down her body, felt like he had his whole life to keep doing that. She let out a frustrated sigh when his lips tentatively pulled away, but she didn't even have the time to open her eyes before he slipped his arms around her waist. She held his shoulders, as if for support, and felt his lips hovering over hers again.

"Hi," she said and it sounded cheesy and small, but she didn't care, because his lips were on hers again. She let out an involuntary gasp and his hands began roaming around her back. She felt her knees give away a little and began to push him towards the middle of the living room. He didn't stop kissing her, but he did turn them so that he was the one with his back to the room, then his lips slid down to her neck so she could watch where they were going. She tipped her head, offering more of her neck to him as she guided the both of them to the couch.

They lay down on it, her on top of him, though he was the one trying to find a comfortable position. His lips went back to her mouth as soon as he found it, his tongue slipping into mouth. She heard a moan, before she realized it was her own.

He hid his face in her neck, in her hair, his breathing thin, not unlike hers, and his heartbeat solid against her chest. Lifting herself off his neck, and holding herself up with her arms to take a look at him, to smile at him, that's when she saw it. It was just a flicker, a slight change in his eyes that meant everything. Lorelai was never one of those eye-reading girls who always appear in romance scenes, but this was pretty damn impossible to miss.

Expectation, the almost-adoration gaze he had towards her. Like she was a treasure, made to be revered and kept safely.

The fragility of it struck her cold, quickly as lightning, and she felt like running on the opposite direction as fast as she could possibly manage before turning into Forrest Gump. Quickly, thought of glass breaking and it's pieces landing everywhere, making a mess, flooded her mind.

She smiled, but it held no emotion at all. "You should go now."

He looked at her, hurt and confused, and she swallowed. She took a breath to release the knot in her belly, but it didn't work so well. "You have to get to Maine," she said, lifting all of her body and standing next to the couch.

He stood up quickly, and felt the heat rise to his face, burning him with angriness. She swallowed and looked a way, but it didn't feel a whole lot better. "It's dark, and I don't want you to get there too late," she attempted. Only after she said it, she realized that she meant it. She worried about him.

"It's already late," he told her, his voice with a slight edge to it.

She cleared her throat and to him, she looked as stunned and angry as he was, which made no sense. "That's why you have to get going," she told him again.

She faced the floor as he stepped a little more away from her and took a deep breath. "Fine, I'll go." He turned around, and headed to the hall.

"Are you mad at me?" she asked, feeling stupid.

He turned back and it looked like he was about to scream, but held himself. "No," he paused and considered what he was about to say next. "But if you don't want this, decide it for real. Stop acting all flirty and happy just to shut me down five minutes later."

She could feel her own pulse, and it wasn't steady anymore. "What is this, an ultimatum?"

He shook his head. "No, I'm telling you what you already know. You need to decide which way it's going, because it's your turn to do that." He sighed and felt a hollow in the pit of his stomach. "I already have."

Silence filled the room, and both waited for the other to say something that would put a real end to the conversation.

"I can't," she told him quickly, too quickly. Then Lorelai realized that even she wasn't sure of what it was that she couldn't. She looked sad, and he stood frozen for a moment.

"You're right. I should go," he said, turning around and disappearing into the hall in seconds, as if he couldn't wait to get away. "I'll see you when I come back," he added before she heard the front door slam loudly and she thought numbly about how impolite it was to slam a door at late hours. Then she thought about how dumb it is to leave your door unlocked at late hours, the way she did.

When she heard the sound of her door opening again, she snapped, and walked to the hall hurriedly. He didn't bring his eyes to look into hers, while he muttered grumpily, "Your car is blocking mine."

She watched him as he tried too hard not to look at her and nodded, picking up her keys from the hall's little table. "I'll move it."

They walked out, the silence speaking crudely than words could. She shivered even though it wasn't cold, and whispered, "Can I call you while you're in Maine?"

He lifted both arms in a shrug, and then nodded as if he had no choice but agree. He stopped in front of his car, waiting for her to walk to hers before going in his own. Her steps felt small, and the ground felt like it wouldn't support her. "Have a good trip," she said doubting he would hear, before going in her car and moving it from the driveway. He did hear her.

As she saw Luke's truck make its way out after hers, and continue to make its way down the street, into the night, Lorelai thought sadly that she would always run away if the slightest possibility showed. And so Lorelai knew; she couldn't.

She drove her car into the driveway again, and she could still faintly hear his truck down the street.


End file.
